Struggling

It is really hard for me to admit it, but I've been struggling lately. By the end of each day, I just don't have anything left to give to anybody, least of all Korri, who needs the most attention in the evenings. I thought I was handling it okay until Finn's EI teacher, Deb, came over on Tuesday and I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and I finally admitted to her some thoughts I've been feeling that are anything but "good mommy" thoughts. She was terrific and asked me to call my OB about being seen for postpartum depression. I called right when she left and was able to get in that afternoon. Again, thank you to Becky for immediately agreeing to watch the kids for me (she always seems to save the day for me!).

The appointment went well. We discussed what I've been feeling and the issues surrounding taking care of Korri. She said what I'm experiencing is called "situational depression" and because it is within 12 months since I've had a baby, it is also labeled at postpartum depression. I love Korri so much, but she is a very high maintenance baby. And what makes it even harder, is when we are out, people comment on how good she is, which makes me feel like even more of a failure (or a liar!). So, the dr set four courses of action out for me.

1. Start taking Zolft, the most researched anti-depression medication for postpartum mothers. She gave me the prescription for it, but I haven't filled it. I think I need to find out more about it before I take that leap. If I start, I would have to stay on it for 6 to 12 months, which I don't know if I'm comfortable with.

2. Go see a counselor who specializes in postpartum depression. I got the numbers of two my OB clinic recommends this morning and called the one that is closest to my house. I am waiting to hear back.

3. She gave me a brochure for a postpartum depression support group. I don't know if I will go, but it is an option.

4. She gave me the number of the lactation consultants at Abbott. So much of my frustration and happiness surrounds Korri's feedings. When we have a bad feeding, my whole world falls apart and I immediately think she will never nurse again. My dr thought it might be nice to go in and either have them tell me everything is prefect or if it isn't, give me some suggestions to make it go better.

I feel like there are things I can do to make this situation better. I just feel so much pressure because Jim and Korri haven't really been able to bond, so I feel like I'm the only thing/person Korri has in the world and if I fall apart, she has nothing...which makes me feel even worse. The hard thing about how I feel, is that for most of the day, I feel fine, but when one thing goes wrong (or Korri is extra fussy), I just can't handle it. I feel like a terrible mom for admitting that and making the call to my OB was probably the hardest I've made. But at least I'm doing something for the better and not just wallowing in the bad. One day/evening at a time!